Finally

Well, we all know that since I'm the only person who reads this, I can spill all my deepest and darkest secrets. Except for the fact that it's an open website, and I have yet to manipulate the privacy settings. So no deep, dark, or otherwise peace-disturbing secrets for you, void. Just sayin'.

Anyways, I'm back in Ontario, the land of complete overcast. I have to say, I didn't really miss the cloudy weather here, but I'll get used to it. I did miss other things though, including a very nice young lady (who is, hopefully, handing in her paper today so that I don't have to remind her again). I tell you, four months of long-distance-relationship-ness is a lot of time to spend on Skype and Facebook and blogging. And even then, it just doesn't seem like it's enough... I guess I'll have to explain that, void, since you don't have the capability to discern human emotions: you're just one gigantic cyber-black-hole. So here goes. No matter how many times I see her on Skype, or text her, or talk on Facebook, there's always something left unsaid. Not the same thing, usually, but just something that I don't have time to say though I want to, or that I'm not sure about saying...and since I'm terrified of scaring her off, well, that holds me back sometimes. Especially now that she's told me exactly how close I came to driving her away completely inadvertently. Still, not a whole lot I can do about what I've already done.

So with all that in mind, this weekend came as a great relief, not least because four months of pent up relationship talks were released...as well as other tensions. It's strange, void, that we got along so well together after so long apart - I never expected it to be that easy. But it was, and for that I am very thankful. As you may or may not know, void, there are a couple sayings about absence. One is to the effect that it makes you like the person you're parted from more...the other, to the opposing effect. After this weekend, I am a firm believer in the former view, with a couple of conditions:
1) There must be feelings present to start with
2) Said feelings must be put out in the open before the parting
3) There must be a willingness from both parties to work at keeping a connection. And not just a rudimentary connection, one where they both can speak their minds.
So, with all that being said, I think it is possible to end up being more comfortable with a person over time and distance than otherwise I would like to believe.

You know, void, that I tend to suppress and even downright ignore my emotions for the most part. I guess you also know that there are a couple that I can't do that with...probably because I've dumped so much emotion-laden text into your black depths. What I haven't told you, void, is the emotions I can't control scare me. They are intense...probably because they are just...there. No warning, just arrival. It scares me that I can't control these two or three feelings; that they take control so easily from me. And so another large portion of my relationship with Hanna involves me being scared shitless of various things...such as scaring her off, or of hurting her whether physically or mentally or emotionally...not to mention my own emotions playing me like I was their tool and not the other way around.

When I arrived in Guelph, void, I was so happy that I didn't know how to deal with it at all. Fortunately, I had an hour and a half to sort myself out before Hanna came back, and by then, I was already missing her, so that worked out well for me. Seeing her again was... exhilarating. I'm hooked on her, I can tell you that much, void. So much so that I made the first move (which is so out of character that I'm still surprised, and I'm the one who did it). The best part about this, void, is that I enjoyed it. I think that I will be making more moves like that in the future. I'm glad that she enjoyed it too...that's what I was most worried about, after all.

So that's most of the story, dear void. I apologize for using you as a proxy communication in the last paragraph, but it just happened. I have to tell you, void, that we talked about a lot of things...some of which I was familiar with, and other things that I wasn't...and I'm glad, because we connected about something new. And reconnected via talking about other things. And I had missed that. The one downside (aside from the obvious) of the long-distance relationship is that it seems to leech away at the connections that the participants forge. Because we both lead our own, very separate, lives most of the time, it is easy to fall into a routine of so, what did you do today? and not ask the important questions, or not feel comfortable enough asking them over a telephone or Skype or some messenger service. So I am truly glad that Hanna and I stopped long enough to talk about boundaries, and the future, and whether or not I'm going to just let this relationship stagnate where it is (and I'm not about to do that), and whether we think that we can last this coming summer again, and how Hanna has absolutely no competition at Brock, and how she looks incredibly pretty all the time, and how she shouldn't worry about her weight because I love how she looks, and I'm the anorexic-looking one in this relationship anyways.

So, dear void, that is the end of my writing this time, except for one final request: would you please pass a message along to Hanna? The message is this:

Have a great day, Hanna. Don't forget to turn in your paper. Take care of that heart of mine.

So long, void, for now.

Pieter