Stressors

Yes, I know it's late. Incredibly, I'm even aware of how late it is. And yet, here I am, writing in this thrice-damned dialogue box because ranting to a machine is so much easier than in person. And it's easier to convince myself that I'm the only one that is going to read this anyways. Still, I guess it's good to get all this on paper once in a while. Hanna is good at ranting, always knows what she's feeling, even if not exactly what to do about it... I wish I knew a small portion, even, of what's going on in my head right now. I guess I'll give it a shot though, and see what comes of it. Lord knows, it feels like a Pandora's Box right now, can't get much worse.

So, to start, I'm stressed over exams. Things went a bit belly-up today with my kinesiology assignment going off the wire, and programming may or may not turn out the way I want it - I have to do extremely well on those two exams. I know I can, but it worries me. I guess it's a good thing, in a way. At least I'm motivated to study period...which, in the past, has been a bit of an issue. Still, I'm not used to being torn to pieces by tests, even big ones - I am used to walking into exams cool as a cucumber, sitting down, motoring through them, and moving on. Although, to be fair, caring about the results probably does add a little bit of bite onto the pre-exam jitters. Either way, caring about exam results is a relatively new phenomenon for me, and not exactly a pleasant one. I find myself wishing, strangely enough, for more time in school before exams come and tell me what I don't know...while it's too late.

So there's exams. And then there's the end of the year in general. I took this badly last year too, but leaving Ontario is going to be more difficult that I thought possible. I'm looking forward to my job, but I assure you, whoever is reading this, that once I'm there I will be looking back at memories here for a couple months, and then looking forward to my return to school for the following couple months. I hear that my place of work will not exactly have a reliable internet connection, and that a Roger's Internet Stick could be a good investment. We'll see when I get there whether that is necessary or not. It might be, who knows, but I think that management will soon find that the internet is a valuable decompression tool for staff, and that unstressed staff do a much better job than stressed staff. So, reader(s), if I drop off the face of the earth for a while, please do not begrudge me (unless you're Hanna, in which case, please tell me off for my idiocy). I am most likely busy, but doing my best to keep you all informed.

Tying into the 'End Of the Year And Leaving Everyone' stress is the 'Really Not Wanting To Leave Hanna' feeling. As I'm sure I've told her before, I really don't want to leave - even when I know I have to. I feel like I'm walking out on her somehow, that I'm not going to be able to be there for her when she needs it (though, to be honest, I'm not there for her now in any meaningful way either, unless saying "Well, I mailed you something today" is meaningful), and that makes me sometimes regret taking a job in the middle of the mountains in Alberta. I'm going to miss her quite a bit; she kind of imprinted herself on my memories of camp, and whenever I think of that place I think of her - taking walks on the highways, how she hated the food, loved tea, and quizzed me on trivia for two full weeks while getting to know me. How I got to know her too, once I got over the fact that I had to ask questions, and that she wouldn't just tell me anything. How she kept me sane, and rested. How she drove me crazy and kept me awake at nights. How everyone but me - including her - knew that I had fallen for her before I did. How, the first time she gave me a hug, she asked for my permission, knowing that I didn't usually like to be touched. How I nearly scared her away right before she asked me if she could hug me, or any number of other times. How I got to the end of the summer and thought the hard part was over (it wasn't, the hard part is leaving now. Again.). How she kidnapped my sweater. How we left little notes in the 'compliment tree' for each other. How I missed her once she left. How glad I was when I saw her again. And now how torn up I am about leaving.

And that, folks, is what's stressing me today. Or tomorrow. Or yesterday. Whatever.